Wrestling with Surrender – Part 2

When I wrestle, I run.  Literally…  

Science has shown that bilateral movement helps our brains process challenging things.  My counselor explained it to me one time and I was fascinated – not only because it’s just interesting, but because it helped explain why when things get tough I run.  It’s literally my brain using bilateral movement to move ideas around and help me make sense of them (clearly a very scientific explanation).  

Earlier this spring, I went out on a run.  Surrender was on my heart and I was struggling with the idea of surrender as a passive act.  On one hand surrender could mean throwing my hands up and just waiting for life to happen. If there was a plan for my life, why did I spend time stressing out over which decision to make?  Why did I press hard for certain goals and try to achieve them? Did it really matter?

I kept coming back to the way that we have all been made, with beautiful minds, strengths and weaknesses, and free will.  I couldn’t figure out why we’d be given these gifts if we weren’t supposed to use them.  

I’m an extremely driven person.  I always have been. I work hard.  I tackle challenges with vigor. While this is a strength, I was wrestling with how it also one my my weaknesses.  When striving to achieve a goal or overcome an obstacle becomes the way I prove my worth or justify acceptance, it is a liability.  But still… I couldn’t let go of the fact that I’ve been given the ability to overcome. I couldn’t let go of the idea that working hard and taking an active role in the direction of my life can be a way to honor the life I’ve been given.  

And so I ran.  Letting the movement of my feet begin to clear a path in my mind.  

As I ran, I found the idea of pride surfacing.  I pride myself on the ability to figure things out, to learn new things, to persevere through hard things.  Example after example of me doing this popped up with each foot fall. Then I began to consider the cost. Rather than concede that someone could do something quicker and better, I trudge on finding immense satisfaction, immense pride, in overcoming a challenge.  

While hard work is important, and even something that can be a source of pride, I began to realize the cost of using hard work to define who I am.  I began to question… Could the energy I expend doing the “hard thing” simply to say that “I can” be better used channeled into other areas? Perhaps my gifts are bigger than just my drive to achieve.  I was left with the big question – what are my gifts?

My feet moved faster, following the pace of my mind.

I found myself linking the idea of surrender to that of leadership.  How could one be a leader, yet also surrender (control)?  

One footfall after another.

Thoughts bounced in my brain.  

Some of the best leaders are those that lead by example.  This is something I strive to do.  

I’ve never asked anyone to do something, that I’m not willing or able to do myself. 

However, when I think of really great leaders, they are often the ones that step aside in order to give others a chance to shine.  They lift others up and recognize their unique talents and abilities.  

A few more steps…

A new idea took form….

Perhaps part of surrender is recognizing that it’s not about being the smartest one in the room or the hardest working one in the room (perceptions that are probably rooted in my need to prove myself through control). Instead it’s about fostering strengths and freeing each other up to do what we are all uniquely made to do.

My feet began to slow.  

My breath was coming fast.  

It wasn’t because of the pace I’d been holding.  It was from the truth that was surfacing. I was left wondering if my issue with surrender was really just a lack of understanding of my strengths and my purpose.

I stopped for a few moments.  I stood on the sidewalk, looking at the world around me.  Looking at it through this new lens. I eyed the fence that someone had built and the roads that were engineered and constructed through trial and error.  I considered the amount of hard work and determination that it took to create those concrete things. I pondered the role that each person had in creating them and the path that they had taken to get there.  I raised my head to the sky and closed my eyes, breathing deeply.  

As my feet hit the pavement again, a prayer formed in my heart.  With each step, and each pump of my arms, I asked for clarity or understanding of what surrender could and should look like, especially for me. I asked for opportunities to practice that.  

Soon an idea began to form that felt a little more right.  Surrender doesn’t have to be, nor should it be, passive. It DOES have to be practiced and that practice is active.  It’s not about sitting back and letting the world happen to me. It’s about making choices and being open to the idea that I may have to actively revise that plan with different choices.  It isn’t about giving up hard work, but instead it’s about actively choosing to let go of a false sense of control.  

While this wrestling and running helped provide clarity in the moment, the concept of surrender, is one that I revisit daily, often many times in each day.  I must remind myself that I am called to both take an active role in moving my life forward and to actively seek opportunities to practice surrender – choosing to let go of a need to control or to prove my worth and instead hold my plans and goals with open hands, knowing God might nudge me differently.