Understanding Grace

Grace… As a lover of words, I take pride in the words that I choose and use. Grace is a word that, up until the last few years (yes, years not months), didn’t really live in my vocabulary. I’m not sure why, but it wasn’t a word that I necessarily ‘grew up’ with.

However, it’s a word that people around me used a lot as we built a school together and tried new things. During that time, I started to understand the concept of extending grace to others and it became a phrase I’d utter often.

I like the connotation of it – a graceful way to accept that things may not quite turn out the way one hoped, but given the right intentions that outcome can be forgiven.

It’s a word and a phrase that I have always used in conjunction with other people and their situations. I may have even used it towards myself, but it was almost cliche in that situation – feeling more like what I should say, rather than what I believed.

As we began dealing with the accident and then the loss of Rylie, I started thinking of grace as applying more to me. It was no longer a word that I used as advice for others to follow. It became a mantra that I wanted to follow.

I have always had extremely high expectations of myself – sometimes too high. I put demands on myself that I wouldn’t ask of others. I always want to be the best and / or strive for perfection. This has been a life-long struggle.

Once I became a parent, I realized the importance of helping my children understand ‘reasonable’ high expectations. Yet, I continued to struggle with finding a work-life balance. I continued to struggle with not imposing my desire for perfection on my children, my husband, my friends, or my students.

Rylie and I had numerous conversations about balancing raising the bar and being the best version of yourself with reality. In her unique way, she would often encourage me to extend myself some grace and take a step back. She would remind me to hit pause and question the true impact of lowering my personal expectation bar a bit. She would gracefully point out that what was lost in my personal expectation could be gained in relationships and time.

Over the summer, I felt that I was finally able to start allowing myself some grace. I was able to see things through a different lens and put into perspective the important things in life. I became better at saying “no” to distractions of perfection. I became better at saying “yes” to the people around me who wanted my time, my attention, and a chance to grow our relationships. I said “yes” to experiences that filled me with peace and love.

As I look back over the last month or so, though I realize that I’ve fallen off this balanced bandwagon. I’m constantly thinking about what I should be doing – which item is looming over me from my to-do list. I’m consumed with thoughts of how I’m not meeting my own self-imposed expectations of what makes a good teacher, a good wife, a good mom…

The weirdest thing is the way that I can ‘see’ what’s happen, but I just can’t make it stop. I feel like a perfection addict – or at least how I think an addict must feel when they know they need to stop but can’t.

So, I’ve been telling myself it’s time to extend myself some grace… If I’m being honest, it still feels like a buzz word or cliche, when I apply it to myself, but I’m trying. Perhaps if I say it enough, it will become part of who I am.

There’s got to be a way to reset myself – to work my way back into a more even-keel, peaceful approach to life. I’m not sure how to get there, but I’ll start with continuing to try to apply the word grace to myself. I’ll allow myself moments to “just be”. I’ll get in touch with my inner yogi and breathe as I feel my shoulders and stress level rise. I’ll ask myself about the trade-offs and be okay with letting go a little at a time in order to realize a version of myself that could be so much more by being a little less.