Sneak Attack from Ry

There are times that Rylie sneaks up on me unexpectedly. I love it when that happens, because I can pretend. I can picture the way that she would sneak up on me if she were still here.

I have no doubt that she’d find ways to sneak quietly into my office while I was super focused on working. She’d flip my hair or poke me in the side. Then run away with her distinct giggle trailing her.

Since I don’t get to actually experience that kind of sneak attack, I treasure these unexpected moments when it seems like she’s taking a moment to remind me that she loves me.

There are times when these moments come frequently, then radio silence for a while before another sneak attack takes place. It’s been kind of radio silent lately. I hadn’t really realized it, until twice in less than two hours I experienced a sneaky moment.

We were headed to a hockey game, just like any other game. Ziggy was driving, I was in the passenger seat, and Tanner was sitting behind me in the back seat. I had a brief moment where I could almost picture Rylie sitting next to him.

Mind you, I have no idea what she would look like today. I have no clue if she’d even put up with going to one of Tanner’s games. After all, she’d be a sophomore in high school. I highly doubt her Thursday evening plans would include watching her little brother play hockey.

Still, I could imagine it. I don’t think she’d go to every game, but I think she’d be one of Tanner’s biggest supporters. That’s just the way they were. She grew up being schlepped around to rinks, so in a way it’s kind of like going home.

I could picture her in the back seat. Both of them with their phones in hand and likely earbuds in. Both listening to their own music, texting their own friends and scrolling through Instagram while we drove. I could picture Rylie laughing at a text or a picture on Instagram and leaning over to tug Tanner’s hoodie to let him in on the joke.

I could picture her rolling her eyes as one of Tanner’s hockey sticks slid from its place and threatened to bonk her in the head. A swift swat of her hand to let him know the sticks should be on his side. The fact that she’d even allow the sticks on her side, is probably a problem in this little fantasy of mine… When the kids were younger they would often fight over “their side of the car”- Rylie accusing Tanner of looking out her window or vice versa. It went so far one time, that Rylie etched an R on the outside handle of the car on “her side” and T on “Tanner’s”. (This did not go over well!) Needless to say, I’m guessing that his hockey sticks on “her side” would not have been a thing.

It was a brief look into what the future could have been. It was comforting, but it also left me with so many questions. What would she look like? Would she carry a Hydroflask? Would she still be a Converse girl, or would she have moved onto Vans?

As I pondered a myriad of questions like these, I also realized how much has changed in two and a half years. Rylie never saw the Jeep. I’m not sure if she even knew I’d always dreamed of owning one. She never saw me wearing skinny jeans. She never saw me go to a hockey game without my work bag and a pile of papers to grade. I can’t honestly remember if I was still fighting my curly hair at that point or if I’d finally given into it.

While none of these changes, except maybe the lack of teacher bag, is monumental, it’s still weird to think of how life has gone on. To realize the ways we’ve adapted and the ways we continue to live our lives even when hers, as we know it, has stopped.

As the moment passed, I was struck by the gap that was left. I reached behind me and touched Tanner’s leg – just because I needed to be reassured that the man-boy I was expecting to find back there was still there. He was and I’m sure he rolled his eyes at the invasion of his privacy.

Life went back to ‘normal’. Just another trip to the rink. Just a normal Thursday night.

Normal until the second sneak attack. This time, I was sitting in the stands, cheering on the team. Out of the corner of my eye, I caught sight of two girls. These girls are the sisters of two players that have been on Tanner’s teams for years. This means I’ve gotten to watch them both grow and take their place in the world as young ladies. One is almost seven, the other is eleven.

When you’re a hockey family, that means you make friends with the siblings of all the players. Even though these two girls are a few years apart, they’ve bonded and enjoy hanging out at games. They can commiserate over the smell that is so uniquely hockey rink. They can scheme and dream up ways to get one of their parents to buy hot chocolate.

Over the years they’ve gone from sitting in the parent’s laps to being allowed to roam free, so long as they’re together. The way the two, with their differing ages, interacted, reminded me a lot of Rylie. She was one of the older siblings, not by a ton, but enough to be considered a built in babysitter, along with a few other sisters that were her age.

As I watched the two girls bouncing down the stadium stairs and run off to play some made up game, I realized that the older girl isn’t that far from how old Rylie was. There it was that sneaky moment.

While the moments are bittersweet and sometimes make me want to cry, I’m more just thankful for a moment of connection. A moment when I can remember that my life was very different, once upon a time. A moment when I can be grateful for the ways this change has made me grow, but also be melancholy that there’s much that I’ll miss.