I Can’t Tell Myself…

Warning: This post is a little more of a downer, but I am trying to honor this process. Sometimes the best way to do that is through raw, honest emotion.

As much as it is good for me to find rainbows at the end of a storm, sometimes there are just clouds… It’s been two months and I am struggling.

For the most part I am okay with the daily stuff – I guess because I compartmentalize and tell myself that Rylie is missing things because she’s at camp or in her room or just not here. But when I think longer term, that’s when it hits like a ton of bricks…

I can’t tell myself that she’s just away at camp when it comes time to do Christmas cards – heck usually the picture comes from one of our summer adventures and honestly we haven’t been up for family photo opps – it just feels wrong. We normally each write a paragraph summing up our years highlights and that’s going to be weird. Maybe it’ll be time for a new tradition.

I can’t tell myself she’s just busy, when I see other children playing with their siblings because Tanner will never have a chance to play with his sister again. When I watch T play in the waves it’s hard not to think of how much fun he’d have if Rylie was frolicking with him. As I watched dolphins leap around a boat we were on yesterday, I couldn’t help but think of the way her face would have lit up.

I can’t tell myself she’s just being a teenager, when Tanner asks to build a sandcastle, but instead decides to carve her name out of sand.

While it has been a wonderful growing opportunity for the three of us as we’ve navigated this trip together, it’s been hard too. We all miss her and in different ways.

I have to tell myself the truth when I look at the wallpaper (pic below) on my phone because it has both kids playing together. At some point I’ll have to change that because although Rylie will always be 12, Tanner will continue to grow.