Emptiness….

It’s a feeling I expected, but I’m experiencing it in a way that I didn’t expect.

I expected to miss her. To think of things I wanted to share with her and not be able to. To open her bedroom door and be surprised when she wasn’t there.

I expected to look at other girls her age and wish she was with me. To go to a wedding and realize she’ll never have a daddy daughter dance.

I expect to watch her friends grow and experience firsts – days of high school, dances, kisses, heartbreaks and wonder how she’d handle those things.

What I didn’t expect is this emptiness I feel in other aspects of my life. I am a doer. I like checklists and expectations. I thrive when I’m busy. But sometimes, I just stand and feel empty.

It’s a feeling that I can’t quite describe. One of lack of purpose. Lack of direction.

I didn’t expect to feel empty with words. Words are how I process, but over the last several days and weeks, I’ve not been able to even find words. My word bank is (or at least feels) empty.

Then as I sat down to write this, I realized perhaps I’m not empty. I just am filled with different things. Some of this ‘emptiness’ is just grief. It will always be there, but it won’t always feel like the only thing in my proverbial cup.

I think it’s important to recognize this new substance – grief in the form of emptiness. To allow it space to be. But I won’t allow it to consume me. I will instead make space for other things – things Rylie would enjoy, moments I can collect and share with her in my mind.

One thing Rylie was quite good at was stepping out of her comfort zone. That is something that challenges me everyday. So, I will channel her spirit and do exactly that.

Just yesterday we had people working on our yard. I don’t do well with other people doing for me and I never know exactly what to do or say. I thought to myself – “It’s hot out. I bet they’d appreciate some watermelon.” Then I thought, “But that feels weird.” Then I heard the little Rylie on my shoulder encouraging me to cut up a bunch of watermelon and offer it to them. So I did.

I will fill my emptiness with challenges to become more like the beautiful little girl who I lost.