“Celebrating” Rylie’s 13th Birthday

There are many things in this world that I don’t understand. Some hit very close to home, while others are so big and worldly that I can’t even begin to fathom them.

Thirteen years ago Ziggy and I were given the most amazing gift in the world. We held our baby girl for the first time. Nearly four months ago, we held her for the last.

I’ll never quite understand why we only got that short of time with her in our physical presence. I’ll never quite understand how she, at such a young age, was able to affect and touch the lives of so many. I’ll never quite understand why most days it feels somewhat ‘normal’ or ‘acceptable’ that she’s gone. I’ll never quite understand waking up at almost the exact hour of her birth on her thirteenth birthday.

I can only believe that there is something greater at work. It’s not for me to understand the whys of these things. It’s for me to accept, to pause, to listen and to trust. All things that I find very hard to do on a normal basis, but somehow through all of this, I feel compelled to set aside my need to control, to understand, to know. I feel drawn to just be. To allow tears to flow at random times, but to also laugh and celebrate.

I would give anything to hold my little girl. To fight her tooth and nail during these teen years, to be her best and worst friend. But instead, I will try to accept.

I will latch on to little miracles… Waking up in the middle of the night on her birthday. Seeing a butterfly, a hummingbird, or a dandelion fluff float past me at just the right moment. Hearing her voice nudge me to give myself or those around me grace.

I will hold those that mean the most to me a little tighter or longer. I will take time to listen. I will aim to say ‘no’ to distractions and ‘yes’ to relationships and kindness. I will give thanks for those moments that allow me to feel just a little bit closer to the miracle of thirteen years ago – that was and will always be mine.