A New First – First Day of School

There’s a point in our lives where we look forward to firsts. A child’s first word, first step, or first day of school. A first date. A first day at a new job.

If we’re honest though, there’s times as parents that we look forward to lasts too. The last dirty diaper to change. The last embarrassing temper tantrum in a store. The last argument about homework or curfew.

Friday was a first that I was not looking forward to. One of many such firsts. The first day of school without Rylie.

The first day of school is normally a joyful time in our world. As a teacher and lover of school, I always look forward to the first day. The energy, the excitement, the new clothes and school supplies. The joy on a child’s face when they are reunited with friends that they haven’t seen in months or excitement as they figure out they have a teacher they wanted.

Rylie was much like me in that way. She loved the first day of school, and dreaded the last. She loved to be around people and learning. She was my partner in crime when it came to school supply shopping even when we didn’t need supplies. What could be more fun than a new set of pens or post-its?!?

In the days and weeks prior to school starting, she’d talk about the upcoming year. What she hoped to learn, the people she wanted to see, and even sometimes the ones she wasn’t looking forward to seeing. She’d guess at what her teachers would be like and how they would interact. Even in a school that wore uniforms, she’d meticulously pick out the perfect combination for the first day and plan her hair and make-up.

This year would have been even more eventful. This year she was moving to a different school – one without uniforms, without me in the same building. In fact, the day of the accident, while we were at lunch she was talking about how to strategically spread out purchases over the summer so that she’d have an appropriate, yet fashionable wardrobe. She was already talking about what kind of school supplies she’d want to buy.

However, this year, the first day of school and those weeks leading up to it had a very different feel. While I was busy learning all sorts of new things about my new school, I could feel the weight of what was missing. I was thankful for the distractions that came with planning and preparing for my students, but I missed sharing ideas with Rylie and having her help in setting up for the year.

On Thursday, although it would have been her first day at the new school, I thought briefly about that first that would never be, but I let it go. Then Friday, when it was Tanner’s first day of school and my first full day with students, I couldn’t help but be overwhelmed.

There were tears in my eyes as I got ready for school, as I packed my lunch and only woke up one child. There were tears brimming when I walked into my building – nervous and excited for my new adventure – but knowing that I wasn’t going to pick Rylie up and hear about hers.

There were long hugs with Ziggy and Tanner as we steeled ourselves for one of the big moments we all knew would come – the annual First Day of School picture. It’s a moment I normally look forward to. I get to see how much my kids have grown, but even more so, I get to be part of that picture because it’s always my first day too.

This year, I almost didn’t take that first day of school picture with Tanner. It felt weird. It felt wrong, but we did it.

Then yesterday, the image of Rylie and I on her first day of middle school (6th grade) popped up as a memory on Facebook. It was a picture of just her and I because Tanner started a few days later. I was reassured by my choice to take that picture with Tanner. It was his first day of 6th grade. So now we have a pictures of both kids on their own with me.

It is bittersweet – like so much these days. I would give anything to have more firsts and lasts with her. But I am reminded that I have a choice. I can focus on what is missing, or I can bring Rylie along in my heart and live each day like the privilege it is. Had I not heard her voice in my head, encouraging to take my first Tanner and mom only First Day of School photo, I wouldn’t be able to put these two side by side.