The Best of Intentions

Hands on the steering wheel, my mind half mulling over the day’s work and half paying attention the podcast playing in the background, I kept my eyes on the road.  Suddenly, I became fully present as the host asked, “Generally, do you think people are doing their best?”  With my head cocked to left,  a little grin tugging at my mouth, I answered aloud, “Of course!”  

Yes, in the privacy of my car, I imagine that the podcasters and I are sitting together over a cup of coffee having a conversation so I talk back to them.  We’ll just leave all judgement about my sanity at the door for now.  

What’s important here is that I’m generally a half-full kind of girl.  Most of the time, not all of the time, though, I give others the benefit of the doubt.  I long for, and believe in, goodness.  I look for the best in people and situations.

The podcast topic stirred something in me and I found myself mulling over my response to the question and wondering how those around me would answer the same question.  Wondering how I stacked up against the research presented in the podcast.  Wondering how those that I love would stack up.  

I couldn’t wait to get home and pose the question, knowing full well that both Ziggy and Tanner would roll their eyes, share a here we go look and then indulge me for about .7 seconds.  

It played out pretty much as expected.  I posed the question.  The looks transpired and without hesistation, both of them answered, “Nope.”   Literally that was it.  No qualification.  No explanation.  No jumping into conversation.  

The fire ignited by the possibility of deep conversation began to fizzle with the lack of engagement.  I was dying to know more.  To ask more.  Instead, I clenched my jaw, counting silently in my head waiting for one of them to offer me a little something.  A rationale.  A question back.  Anything.  Instead I got crickets and rapt attention on the small black disk sliding across the ice projected on the screen in the other room.  Hockey almost always wins the attention battle.

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a little hurt.  I really wanted to dig into the topic.  I wanted to understand where their minds were and why.  I wanted to understand why we all had instantaneous reactions, but mine was so different.  Being the “everyone’s doing their best” girl, I applied that assumption here. I’d only expected .7 seconds of their attention and, indeed, got about that much, so I put another forkful of dinner in my mouth.  As I chewed, my thoughts mirrored that of the puck on the screen nearby, moving with speed but going every which way.  

Over the next few hours and days, this question continued to show up in my thoughts.  I considered polling a few other people, but decided instead to let it marinate.  Perhaps it would come up more authentically in conversations, perhaps not.

My thoughts continued to bounce and I found myself wondering – wondering how I would answer that question if it was phrased differently.  What I changed just one word and asked, “Generally do you think YOU are doing the best you can?” 

It dawned on me that my resounding, “Of course,” suddenly be came an unequivocal, “nope” with the switch of a word.

Curious…

Deep in my gut, I recognized a pattern.  A pattern that I’ve read about.  A pattern that I’ve witnessed.  A pattern that I’ve experienced.  Regardless of the way we may answer the question of intent for ‘others,’ most of us do not assume the best of our own intentions.  Instead we judge ourselves.  We compare.  We assume.  We blame.

No longer energized by the idea of figuring out how others think about each other, I found my curiosity pique in a different way – wondering, while also subconsciously knowing, how others think about themselves.  

I prefer to shine light out and on to others, but I found myself wading into the darkness of self.  It’s a little scary to take that same light and look within because there’s usually a lot of unanswered or unanswerable questions there.  This was no exception.

Questions formed, bubbling to the surface at an alarming rate.

Why do I struggle to extend just the tiniest bit of grace to myself, when I so willingly give over to others?  

Why do I continue to assume the best of intentions in others, even when I’ve seen evidence of the contrary?  

Why can’t, or don’t, I do the same for myself, even when I know, deep inside, that I really do have the best intentions most of the time?

I’ve sat with these questions for a while now.  Apparently I’ll sit with them for a while longer because I don’t have any answers yet.  Just more questions. Perhaps these questions will allow for growth – growth for myself and if I’m lucky an opportunity for growth with someone else.  

I’m challenging myself to notice those moments when I pass judgement on my own actions.  To hold that moment up and ask “Do you think SHE is doing the best SHE can, right now?”  I have no idea if I’ll be able to trick myself into a little grace, but I’m hopeful that I will even for a moment.  What a gift that would be.